A reason for it all

In a conversation today a significant event in Kaylana's life was discovered. In eighth grade there was an Art teacher who was not able to engage my daughter in her class. This resulted in two parent teacher meetings (joy).

During one of the meetings the teacher informed us that if Kaylana continued to fail the class she would not make anything out of herself in life.that eventually file bankruptcy. I was so taken back and angry that I did not say anything.

At the same time Kaylana was becoming so involved in basketball that I think it bothered me more than it did her.

That year Kaylana played basketball and then helped run stats and help mentor the younger players as they began their season.

I wonder if her love of photography would have been discovered if this teacher had been allowed to impact her creative side!!

What a thought!!! I love basketball and now I have one more reason!!

Singing with woodland creatures

There is a scene in Snow White where she is singing and happy, all the birds and woodland animals surround her to enjoy the way she embraces the day.

I wake up like that, every morning, ask my daughter, it drives her nuts. No matter what is going on in my life I approach a new day with the belief it will be a good one.

It takes a serious amount of crap for me to end up feeling like the evil step mother, mirror mirror on the wall, with hands outstretched offering the poison apple so Snow White can suffer and be as miserable as she feels in her cold heart.

Today lived up to that horrible image.

If I could change anything it would be having more balance, I get so bogged down by the negativity around me but to not care when things are so terribly wrong, to want to fight for solutions and change is who I am. 

So tomorrow I sing with the birds and frolick with the squirrels and hope that feeling lasts just a little longer than it did the day before!!

Realization

Cornered, claws out for protection

Imaginary foes all around.

If only the mind would shut down, but no, this is worse.

Thoughts overflowing, criticism, pain, no praise for small victories only lectures on what should have been done.

What could be worse than an imaginary fate? Reality. And when it is, the mind builds, foreseen problems so much worse, this to avoid surprise, to avoid pain and to continue to assess blame.

Today, a small victory and a small grain of hope. Is this the block that begins a foundation to live by? Hope says yes ❤

Senior year blues- Mom style

One of my favorite memories of the beginning of the school year is:

Sophomore year

We just registered her for classes and were hunting down her locker.

She runs into a couple friends and their lockers are near each other.

One girl bends down, can't get her locker open....

Kaylana says" I got this, I always get it first try"

Her friends joke that she can do anything.

Kaylana jokes back " yeah, I kinda run this school"

Much to my surprise these sweet little girls, part of her social structure I am not a part of at all say

" yeah, she really does"

What an amazing gift to give a parent, the gift of knowledge that she just doesn't struggle in the cut throat jungle high school can be!!

Love you be you

This week has provided some clarity for me. I am getting back to a place where I make the difference in my own life. It makes me happy to help others, to make others feel good about themselves and their accomplishments. I can combat the anger and negativity around me better when I rely on my own strengths to shield me from their weakness and inability to see light when it is in their lives.

We are so fortunate and so blessed in this life.

I won't be dragged down by those who can't see that!! 

Sad

Fighting off the blues. I intend to leave them behind with this week. 

I found a pic of me as a toddler, who puts sadness in their child's eyes at such a young age? 

Why do I feel I knew life was going to be a hard fought journey even then? 

I never remember a carefree time, I always looked at others with doubt and an inability to understand behaviors that did nothing but encourage pain and sorrow.

It is a large burden to give your all to loved ones and never know if it will be returned.

This mask constricts, this game grows old, but I hope, each day a part of the brightness will dull the cold that exists and tries to eliminate the beauty.

It's time for me

Tell me what it is you see those random times you look at me

The looks I catch are cruel, such judging coming from you

How dare you think you see the inside part of me

The cold outside view is what you want, you all seem to

Fitting is all that counts and in this tiny little fish pond that means being angry, small minded and cruel

I tried to shut out my light, I fit in during the day but couldn't live with myself at night

What do I trade? I won't be the me the rest of the world thinks they see

I am beautiful, caring, fierce in my love, determined, silly, funny and perfect in my quest to constantly improve on what needs improving. 

It's time for me