I love my kid

I sleep on the couch frequently. Tonight I woke up, vaguely realizing Kaylana was downstairs. I would not have woken up except the cat was nice enough to scratch me on the elbow. I assume this meant "join the party mom, the gangs all here."

Looking over I find my teen on the floor playing a game on MY phone!!

I asked the little creeper what she was doing. Her reply?

" I am not a creeper, this is the living room and I just need a life on my game."

Well it is 12:30am and if I wake up in the dark to anyone on my phone playing a video game, they are a creeper!!

The very best part of this little story is..... That game wasn't even on my phone when I went to bed!! 

Letter to no one

Dear Anyone that has ever known me,

If we don't speak or our interactions have become limited.....

You know why. You saw this coming. This is not a surprise situation. No one person is the cause of any type of seperation, don't kid yourself.

Calling people in my life secretly will NOT help repair the damage. 

I am beyond amazed that continuing with behavior that got us to this point seems like a solution.

Change begins within ourselves, if there is no change there is no going back.

Sincerely the person who is tired of the bullshit

Rules

Our society is big on establishing rules for almost any organized activity, event, workplace setting or educational forum.

The  problem is, these rules only apply when those in a position of power say so.

Find yourself in a setting where rules are bent, distorted and abused and your road to success will not be a smooth one.

Take it a step further and be "that person" who believes rules were made to be followed... Not a ton of fun.

Words can't express the frustration with not being able to effect change, with losing the ability to voice concern for blatant disregard for wrongdoing, for being persecuted for,becoming mute out of necessity.

I no longer trust the visions I was told to live by. I no longer trust that reason exists.

Every look, every conversation, all are suspect, meanings dissected to a degree that is unbelievably distracting.

This must not continue, as time goes by I become less of myself, more invisible, more of a drone. 

I was born a person who fights for what is right, I was born to uphold rules!!

I am one person, one who will make a difference for those who can't!!

My life in baby steps

For most of my life food has presented challenges for me. I did not know, as a child, that I used food as a weapon for control. As an adult I realize when presented with a challenge I am stubborn and usually not willing to back down. But also being a gentle person I prefer little conflict so the passive aggressive approach worked.

You can't force me to eat ( arms folded across my chest), you can't make me like this (chin jutted out)!!!

Well as we all grow and mature food becomes an enjoyable part of life. Not for me, I refused to try new things and soon social eating became uncomfortable.I have avoided these situations most of my adult life.

Now, as I work on Diane, how I see myself and what matters about how others see me, I am not so concerned by social functions involving food.

This brings me to the most heartwarming moment of my day.

Food day at work...... Yay not!!! Our team ordered Chinese food, not gonna happen no matter how much growth I experience!! 

Not feeling uncomfortable, I offered mine to my cubby mate. Hey, it is my treat and I love to give!! So that was that and I moved on. 

First thing in the morning my boss came me and made sure I knew that if the team orders food I am not eating she is happy to by my lunch separately.

While I have worked with her for a long time I don't know that she is aware of how deep this touched me. 

The team gets a wider scope to choose from and I feel less uncomfortable!!

Go Diane!! Go progress!! And Go get the next win!! I got this!!!

My kid

Today was the first Powder Puff football senior game practice. Also the first time the head girls basketball head coach is in charge. 

My kid shows up, as always, thinking she will blend in, have a blast and then figure out her plan for world domination!! Not gonna lie, love this kid!!

The Coach takes one look at her and puts her to work! You don't ever get to impress management and then think you can blend again!!

How impressive to be "that girl" the coach looks at and sees, her go to girl, a quick thinker, reliability, and a weight off her shoulder!! 

Yep, that's my kid and don't you forget it!! 

  

One person, big challenge

What a backwards world we live in. At this point I make that as a statement not a question to be answered. 

The questions are: why? How? Can it be fixed?

The widespread problem we face is a lack of respect for other individuals. We do not take ownership for our own actions and ridicule others that have no tolerance for poor social skills.

If it is perceived to be a new problem in America, I assure you it is not.

I have struggled and fought hard to raise my children with a keen sense of right and wrong. To instill in them a respect for others, an unselfish heart and the ability to champion for themselves and those who are being treated unfairly. Those who cannot help themselves.

Make no mistake, this has been my life's greatest challenge. And I am only one person, but my responsibility is to give society an adult who will give back to this world and not take from it just because they can.

I believe I have succeeded and am proud to say, my little family is not what is wrong with today!! 

A reason for it all

In a conversation today a significant event in Kaylana's life was discovered. In eighth grade there was an Art teacher who was not able to engage my daughter in her class. This resulted in two parent teacher meetings (joy).

During one of the meetings the teacher informed us that if Kaylana continued to fail the class she would not make anything out of herself in life.that eventually file bankruptcy. I was so taken back and angry that I did not say anything.

At the same time Kaylana was becoming so involved in basketball that I think it bothered me more than it did her.

That year Kaylana played basketball and then helped run stats and help mentor the younger players as they began their season.

I wonder if her love of photography would have been discovered if this teacher had been allowed to impact her creative side!!

What a thought!!! I love basketball and now I have one more reason!!

Singing with woodland creatures

There is a scene in Snow White where she is singing and happy, all the birds and woodland animals surround her to enjoy the way she embraces the day.

I wake up like that, every morning, ask my daughter, it drives her nuts. No matter what is going on in my life I approach a new day with the belief it will be a good one.

It takes a serious amount of crap for me to end up feeling like the evil step mother, mirror mirror on the wall, with hands outstretched offering the poison apple so Snow White can suffer and be as miserable as she feels in her cold heart.

Today lived up to that horrible image.

If I could change anything it would be having more balance, I get so bogged down by the negativity around me but to not care when things are so terribly wrong, to want to fight for solutions and change is who I am. 

So tomorrow I sing with the birds and frolick with the squirrels and hope that feeling lasts just a little longer than it did the day before!!

Realization

Cornered, claws out for protection

Imaginary foes all around.

If only the mind would shut down, but no, this is worse.

Thoughts overflowing, criticism, pain, no praise for small victories only lectures on what should have been done.

What could be worse than an imaginary fate? Reality. And when it is, the mind builds, foreseen problems so much worse, this to avoid surprise, to avoid pain and to continue to assess blame.

Today, a small victory and a small grain of hope. Is this the block that begins a foundation to live by? Hope says yes ❤

Senior year blues- Mom style

One of my favorite memories of the beginning of the school year is:

Sophomore year

We just registered her for classes and were hunting down her locker.

She runs into a couple friends and their lockers are near each other.

One girl bends down, can't get her locker open....

Kaylana says" I got this, I always get it first try"

Her friends joke that she can do anything.

Kaylana jokes back " yeah, I kinda run this school"

Much to my surprise these sweet little girls, part of her social structure I am not a part of at all say

" yeah, she really does"

What an amazing gift to give a parent, the gift of knowledge that she just doesn't struggle in the cut throat jungle high school can be!!

Love you be you

This week has provided some clarity for me. I am getting back to a place where I make the difference in my own life. It makes me happy to help others, to make others feel good about themselves and their accomplishments. I can combat the anger and negativity around me better when I rely on my own strengths to shield me from their weakness and inability to see light when it is in their lives.

We are so fortunate and so blessed in this life.

I won't be dragged down by those who can't see that!! 

Sad

Fighting off the blues. I intend to leave them behind with this week. 

I found a pic of me as a toddler, who puts sadness in their child's eyes at such a young age? 

Why do I feel I knew life was going to be a hard fought journey even then? 

I never remember a carefree time, I always looked at others with doubt and an inability to understand behaviors that did nothing but encourage pain and sorrow.

It is a large burden to give your all to loved ones and never know if it will be returned.

This mask constricts, this game grows old, but I hope, each day a part of the brightness will dull the cold that exists and tries to eliminate the beauty.

It's time for me

Tell me what it is you see those random times you look at me

The looks I catch are cruel, such judging coming from you

How dare you think you see the inside part of me

The cold outside view is what you want, you all seem to

Fitting is all that counts and in this tiny little fish pond that means being angry, small minded and cruel

I tried to shut out my light, I fit in during the day but couldn't live with myself at night

What do I trade? I won't be the me the rest of the world thinks they see

I am beautiful, caring, fierce in my love, determined, silly, funny and perfect in my quest to constantly improve on what needs improving. 

It's time for me

Sigh

I don't want a soulless existence. One where my senses are dulled in order to cope with the constant feeling of being in survival mode.

Trapped like a cornered animal, not able to affect change for myself or the people I care about.

But when I do care and become concerned with injustice I find myself in a position to be ridiculed for it. 

I will never be the type to sit back and watch while bullies push others around just because they can.

And I certainly won't sit back and watch it be me that is bullied.

How sad

I am content with my station in life. I love my Children, friends, my job. I don't need a lot more and tend to offer any excess that I have to others. 

Giving feels good. Monetary goods, token of affection, advice,knowledge, my words. 

Aside from the few close to me I find the extent of these humble gifts go unnoticed. Which makes me sorrowful. 

Should someone brighten my day by a comment or gesture, I savor it like a treasure.

How sad that my lesson is to stop being who I am, to avoid allowing others to see me for who I am, to avoid giving small gestures that make me happy. 

Those that hurt, hurt deep and make caution the order of the day. How sad.

Private war

My whole life I have been quiet, watching life from afar, sensing right from wrong, building a code of ethics on my own. Piecing together a complicated rule book for entry into my private world.

As a child few managed to solve the riddles it takes to gain access. As protection I kept my face in a book and my head down. 

I don't remember peace, but the quest has been strong and consuming.

With time comes responsibility, and choices box us into the next phase of life.

I found out at only 17 that masks are an easy fit, invisible but necessary to swim through the throngs of strangers that pass in and out of daily life.

And I found out I have talent for hiding myself behind those protective shields. They give me courage to fight for what is right with my head held high and the doubt I feel inside hidden from view.

Rule number one is not to lie to myself and taken to the extreme no one has ever been as hard on me as I am. 

Petrified of being judged it is almost impossible to find fault in me that I don't already perceive to be true. 

Rule number two, once chosen for my inner circle you will be treated with kindness, interest and respect. 

Rule number three has no room for compromise, and with all my being I wish it were not so. All wrongs must be made right. 

Why I appointed myself champion of others who won't help themselves is beyond me.

Who am I to deal out the verdict of right from wrong?

Peace would be minding my own business, leaving well enough alone, just being me.

But the heartache I feel when a bully hurts another person because they can or life is unfair because people won't choose a path that should be followed is too strong.

So peace is sacrificed and the small acknowledgments of thanks for making a difference to a life are enough.

Maybe time will find me in a position to ease up on myself and remove a mask or two, but it hasn't happened yet.

Time is almost up

I have almost used up the time I was given. It went so fast. Obviously God knows what He is doing but I missed stuff. I never told her not to drink standing water or that shell fish are the garbage of the sea. Does she know when not to wear white or how many seconds you have to cross the street before the light turns red? 

I didn't make the time count, I am sure I didn't. It was never going to end so I wasn't worried. But tonight my tears fall for I have done little to nothing at all. 

Tired of being amazed

I wake up each day ready to take on the world. Today was one of those days that life just hit me in the head with reality. I had a plan and by about 6:08am it was derailed. Now, don't get me wrong, I am working on letting go of control, being flexible and going with the flow.

But when you feel like you were spun in circles and dropped off a cliff head first it is a bit harder to regroup as the day wears on. 

So I need to remind myself of some really great prices of the puzzle that is me.

I got to start my day with affection from my pets (fine, it is treat time before I leave for work, that can't be it though), I got to chat with my kid a bit and then the drive at 5:30am is really quiet.

Once I get to work, I have a great boss, friends that care and I love the work.

So why do i let all the little pebbles thrown at my personal window turn into a large rock that breaks through the glass? 

Today I didn't find that answer but tomorrow? I just might!!

July 24,2013

My blog got it's name because writing words on paper gives them life. What I write is part of me, part of who I am, or who I want to be. Words cannot be taken back, erased or made as if the thought did not exist. I may post poetry written long ago, current thoughts or even crazy cat stories!! Stay tuned!!