Who am I?

I have spent 23 years as "Mom", and today my youngest is an adult. I am so proud of my kids and feel like this world has two beautiful people out there to make a difference in it. 

On a personal level I am saddened today, not one person I call friend reached out to me to see if I was doing well.

The people I thought I called friend have known I am bittersweet about how fast this time has gone and how much I will miss being a mom full time.

All the pretty words about what a great Mom I have been are just that, words.

I feel alone on my journey to find Diane.

As always the journey will be mine alone.

I love my kid

I sleep on the couch frequently. Tonight I woke up, vaguely realizing Kaylana was downstairs. I would not have woken up except the cat was nice enough to scratch me on the elbow. I assume this meant "join the party mom, the gangs all here."

Looking over I find my teen on the floor playing a game on MY phone!!

I asked the little creeper what she was doing. Her reply?

" I am not a creeper, this is the living room and I just need a life on my game."

Well it is 12:30am and if I wake up in the dark to anyone on my phone playing a video game, they are a creeper!!

The very best part of this little story is..... That game wasn't even on my phone when I went to bed!! 

Letter to no one

Dear Anyone that has ever known me,

If we don't speak or our interactions have become limited.....

You know why. You saw this coming. This is not a surprise situation. No one person is the cause of any type of seperation, don't kid yourself.

Calling people in my life secretly will NOT help repair the damage. 

I am beyond amazed that continuing with behavior that got us to this point seems like a solution.

Change begins within ourselves, if there is no change there is no going back.

Sincerely the person who is tired of the bullshit

Rules

Our society is big on establishing rules for almost any organized activity, event, workplace setting or educational forum.

The  problem is, these rules only apply when those in a position of power say so.

Find yourself in a setting where rules are bent, distorted and abused and your road to success will not be a smooth one.

Take it a step further and be "that person" who believes rules were made to be followed... Not a ton of fun.

Words can't express the frustration with not being able to effect change, with losing the ability to voice concern for blatant disregard for wrongdoing, for being persecuted for,becoming mute out of necessity.

I no longer trust the visions I was told to live by. I no longer trust that reason exists.

Every look, every conversation, all are suspect, meanings dissected to a degree that is unbelievably distracting.

This must not continue, as time goes by I become less of myself, more invisible, more of a drone. 

I was born a person who fights for what is right, I was born to uphold rules!!

I am one person, one who will make a difference for those who can't!!

My life in baby steps

For most of my life food has presented challenges for me. I did not know, as a child, that I used food as a weapon for control. As an adult I realize when presented with a challenge I am stubborn and usually not willing to back down. But also being a gentle person I prefer little conflict so the passive aggressive approach worked.

You can't force me to eat ( arms folded across my chest), you can't make me like this (chin jutted out)!!!

Well as we all grow and mature food becomes an enjoyable part of life. Not for me, I refused to try new things and soon social eating became uncomfortable.I have avoided these situations most of my adult life.

Now, as I work on Diane, how I see myself and what matters about how others see me, I am not so concerned by social functions involving food.

This brings me to the most heartwarming moment of my day.

Food day at work...... Yay not!!! Our team ordered Chinese food, not gonna happen no matter how much growth I experience!! 

Not feeling uncomfortable, I offered mine to my cubby mate. Hey, it is my treat and I love to give!! So that was that and I moved on. 

First thing in the morning my boss came me and made sure I knew that if the team orders food I am not eating she is happy to by my lunch separately.

While I have worked with her for a long time I don't know that she is aware of how deep this touched me. 

The team gets a wider scope to choose from and I feel less uncomfortable!!

Go Diane!! Go progress!! And Go get the next win!! I got this!!!

My kid

Today was the first Powder Puff football senior game practice. Also the first time the head girls basketball head coach is in charge. 

My kid shows up, as always, thinking she will blend in, have a blast and then figure out her plan for world domination!! Not gonna lie, love this kid!!

The Coach takes one look at her and puts her to work! You don't ever get to impress management and then think you can blend again!!

How impressive to be "that girl" the coach looks at and sees, her go to girl, a quick thinker, reliability, and a weight off her shoulder!! 

Yep, that's my kid and don't you forget it!! 

  

One person, big challenge

What a backwards world we live in. At this point I make that as a statement not a question to be answered. 

The questions are: why? How? Can it be fixed?

The widespread problem we face is a lack of respect for other individuals. We do not take ownership for our own actions and ridicule others that have no tolerance for poor social skills.

If it is perceived to be a new problem in America, I assure you it is not.

I have struggled and fought hard to raise my children with a keen sense of right and wrong. To instill in them a respect for others, an unselfish heart and the ability to champion for themselves and those who are being treated unfairly. Those who cannot help themselves.

Make no mistake, this has been my life's greatest challenge. And I am only one person, but my responsibility is to give society an adult who will give back to this world and not take from it just because they can.

I believe I have succeeded and am proud to say, my little family is not what is wrong with today!!